2000+ words of my Tweets!

Below are about 100 tweets I’ve done on my Twitter bryonyAshaw and 2214 words of them!

I signed up to Twitter when I was pregnant as I’d taken part in The Insiders Campaigns where you get ‘freebies’ in return of advertising with friends and family and posting reviews on Supermarkets and leaving reviews at the end of the campaign and it suggested getting Twitter. So I got it. Posted on it a couple of times but was never something I really was bothered by as I had no one to talk to, the first person I followed was Stephen King and yeah, he never spoke to me.

After I gave birth I returned to Twitter and saw a bunch of people talking and basically jumped on their threads and involved myself, after about a year of using it throughout Winnies first year I’d made loads of blogger pals, non blogger pals and although I haven’t been focused on growing the account in numbers this year I still have the same amazing people that follow me.

I think sometimes people just get so obsessed with numbers and likes they forget the reason why they started something and although initially I got Twitter to post a cake mix review I really joined it because I felt isolated with a newborn baby and wanted to reach out. I’ve spent 18 months properly blogging but had my Twitter account nearly two years and it’s awesome that I’ve been able to share journeys online.

The reason for the name? Well, nothing special. Bryony is my name. A is the initial of my middle name. And Shaw is my last. I wasn’t very original. There was no blog. There was just me, 2 children and a belly full of arms and legs.

MY TWEETS

That moment your baby comes to you for a hug…And all she did was wipe her snot on me and walk off.

One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now… And it will become part of someone else’s survival guide 🖤

Imagine – if human beings had genuine courage to wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.

May as well delete my Instagram account – I don’t have a photo of a contoured, size 8 butt cheeks with palms trees in the background, talking about the weather on it. I’m doing it all wrong.

So jealous of people that are mad into fitness and healthy eating, I eat a banana and reward myself with chocolate.

Does anyone else put things in a safe place and forget where that safe place is?

Nothing prepares you for when your child moves from Cbeebies to CBBC.

Nothing seems to confuse people more than seeing someone take photos of inanimate objects in public. I blog. Let me take photos of plumbread in peace.

Are bath products safe for toddlers to drink?
** Asking for a friend. Her child won’t stop drinking it when she’s in the bath.
** Really fucking annoying.
** I’m the friend.

If anyone sits next to me and they are chewing I want to punch them in the face.

Adulting – winging it when it comes where to put detergent and liquid softener in the washing machine.

Me to my kids: you don’t need a snack you’ve just ate!

Me at bedtime after second dinner knowing full well I should sleep: ahhh snack time.

You ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you fighting for your life? Just me?

Sometimes you have no option but to be the class clown because you’d rather people laugh with you than at you.

People who wear matching bra and underwear sets really have their shit together.

Sometimes you have no option but to be the class clown because you’d rather people laugh with you than at you.

Cool new show idea ‘My strange addiction’ and just feature everyone on their phones ignoring each other.

I’m not prepared for when my son comes home from school with maths homework and realises I’m a total moron.

Me looking at a newborn baby… *My brain don’t say it *My brain don’t say it *My brain don’t say it *My brain don’t say it *My brain don’t say it …Wow, you forget how small they are!

Deleting memes off your phone because you’re a different person to who you were 5 minutes ago.

I think I’ve found something worse than people discussing Brexit and how Politicians are arseholes… Vapers who discuss their vaping flavours at length.

You can have the whole world in your pocket and still no one to talk to.

No one:… No one at all: The internet: I must be the ONLY one who HASN’T taken a back to school photo, let’s insult every one who does.

No matter how fancy you are – whether you’re a parent or carer – remember you’re just a snack holder.

Me when seeing adverts of all these toned, skinny, visually attractive people in gym wear on Instagram… Click: Hide ad Reason: it’s not relevant.

I’m so tired the bags under my eyes are bigger than my boobs.

People who get hit in the face – boxers, footballers, drunk people, pornstars.. And parents with toddlers.

Nobody is thirstier than a child who has just been told it’s time for bed.

School shoe shopping with children can be comparable to hell on earth.

Am I constantly tired? Yes. Am I staying awake til the early hours when I should be trying to sleep? Also, yes.

Nothing like a Pub Quiz to make you realise that you know absolutely N O T H I N G – minus Friends references and Matthew McConaughey quotes.

You can tell you’re a mother when a two minute shower feels like a Spa Day.

There should be a summer camp for adults to go to for three weeks but instead of activities we can just nap.

Dear kids, If you continue to use a new cup everytime you get a drink, I will remove all the cups from the house, you can drink from your hands and I will leave the country. Sincerely, Cup mum.

Seeing people getting excited over GCSE results is great, great results well done.. But saying it’s the most important thing in their lives… Ah to be young and naive.

The difference between my kids: This morning my eldest hugging her younger sister, cuddling teddies and being cute… My son is filming the toilet.

My child just dabbed. Where can I swap her please? Too late to return faulty goods.

Children need the freedom and time to play. Play is not a luxury. Play is a necessity.

During the school year: Bath = bath.

During the summer holidays: Sea = bath. Sprinklers = bath. Paddling pool = bath. Baby wipes = bath. Swimming pool = bath. Water bombs = bath. Rain = bath.

Playing Eye Spy with a child is more challenging than family Monopoly.

My son: Eye Spy with my little eye something beginning with T!

Me: Tree? Tires? Tiles? Table? Table?

My son: Giraffe.

Taken the kids to the park and there are teenagers swearing… Absolutely disgraceful… The kids have enough of that at home, we came here for a break!

Da Dum Tshhh***

I love my kids but they are full on dicks.

Me: well, I’ve got to get going! Friend: do you have plans?

Me: No, I’d rather just be at home.

Today I held a newborn baby and thought “I could easy do all that again” then went food shopping with a toddler.

Soon nipped that in the bud.

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it’s art and music but when I do it I need to leave the shop.

Some people manage stress with yoga with friends, meditation and a long walk on the beach. I manage stress with carbs, sarcasm and ignoring everyone.

People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want to have a hot body but I need that extra slice of cake.

You’re not living your best parenting life until you’ve launched a toy out your front door to stop your kids fighting over it.

My daughter: ugh, why do we have to walk there!?

Me: what are we going to do, fly?

Daughter: I wish.

Me with years of childhood dreams not coming true: … same.

 

Current position: hiding in my room listening to screams. Don’t worry I’m ok it’s just my kids have broke up from school today.

I think what we need to remember is that regardless of how famous and popular someone is. No matter how many followers they have or great body they have… At the end of the day everyone still wipes shit from their butts.

New parents holding their beautiful newborn in fresh ironed clothes and a tired glowing happiness.

Me with 3 kids screaming over being told simple instructions, refusing to eat their meals, in clean but unironed clothes and a weary exhaustion over my face.

Parenting fact: It will never be tidy. No matter what it is. Kitchen. Bathroom. Bedroom. Clothes. Your language. Never. Ever. Tidy.

I don’t do weights but I carry a baby and baby bag around while running about so surely that counts for something.

Kids will call your name 50 times just to show you a feather covered in bird shit… As a parent you’re dying on the inside because POOP and on the outside you act amazed and encourage your little dirty explorers to discover all the amazing shit.

I feel like Stranger Things is the new Game of Thrones – everyone’s just dying 😭

Sleeping is hard in the summer because blankets are too warm but without them I’m vulnerable to monsters.

Instagram has more breakdowns than I do.

Children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a happy one.

Yesterday afternoon I turned off all social media, watched the new Spiderman movie after kids swimming and went to bed early. Woke up this morning refreshed.

What is this Wizardry.

When you judge others you define yourself, not them.

My 5 year old just said I’m nasty as I won’t let him have a biscuit and offered yoghurt. I’m heartbroken.

When you love your children for the beautiful, little demonic assholes that they are.

Today’s message – where flowers bloom so does hope

Bitches complain about being fat but don’t want to work out or stop eating unhealthy food.

It’s me.

I’m bitches.

Look, I don’t like you. You don’t like me. But we gotta make this work for the kids. – me talking to my swimwear before taking the kids to the beach.

Job interview: So, what would you say your biggest quality is?

Me: consistency. I will consistently measure and cook the incorrect amount of pasta to feed a whole village. Always.

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo… It goes downhill from there.

Today is sponsored by croissants and caffeine.

Being British is: Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times, still misunderstanding and then giving up and nodding and smiling.

Never look back – if Cinderella had gone back to pick up her glass slipper she wouldn’t have become a princess.

To anyone who likes my posts… I love u 4eva

Marmite on toast with a sprinkle of cheese = winning combo.

Great gift idea for a childs birthday – a vagina shaped piñata for them to destroy because historical accuracy is important.

Who needs a full 8 hours sleep when you can have a full 8 minutes.

I was always worried about coming home with a newborn after being in hospital… What I should’ve worried about is what the fuck to do with them for the rest of my life.

The words “let’s see who will read this” at the beginning of your post literally guarantees I wont read it. Ever.

I love asking my kids what they want to be when they grow up as I’m still looking for ideas.

Organised my sons 5th birthday party for lunch time. If you don’t hear from me the rest of the day I’ll be in regret and recovery.

When you have to read a food bloggers life story, life goals and dreams to even get to a damn recipe… So you just buy a pizza.

I hate when I play with my children for seven hours and it turns out its only been seven minutes.

I never knew what kind of mum I’d be when I had my first child… By the second one I realised ‘patient’ was NOT it when watching my children get ready in a morning.

I socialised this weekend.

Me for the next 3 months:

When someone makes you a cuppa tea without asking.

You the real MVP

People: breast is best, not in public. You should co-sleep but it’s not safe. You should work but also never leave your kids. Your baby should sleep through the night by now but also sleep training is bad. Also, don’t forget about self care like meal prepping.

Parents everywhere:

 

Today I did something I should’ve done years ago – defend myself, defend my character and teach my eldest it’s not ok to ever feel second best, to change for anyone and that you should be treated with respect.

I feel badass.

You know when your baby can sit up but not crawl, talk or walk? That’s the moment. That’s the best time you have as a parent.

Shout out to any mother that’s had to breastfeed an infant on the toilet for five seconds peace. 🤟

My kids upstairs screaming “I’M TELLING MUM!!”

Me in the kitchen “don’t tell me shit.”

Take time to do what makes your soul happy.

I’m in a good place right now… Not emotionally… I’m just in bed.

My contentment and success really has changed as I’ve grown up – I used to think wealth and fame would indicate success.

Now? With a full pantry, freezer and fridge for the family I feel like I’ve achieved.

Just because things could’ve been different doesn’t mean they could’ve been better.

Me to my son: what’s the plan today?

My son: Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Meanwhile in hell… All my missing Tupperware lids and socks are having a great time.

Me to my son: Oscar, please STOP picking your nose and eating it! My son: I haven’t had pudding yet.

 

People will cancel all plans just to stay home in bed… I am that people.

Nobody: Toddlers: I’ll knock this shit over.

 

You learn more from failure than from success. Don’t let it stop you. Failure builds character.

 

We can’t all look good at the same time it’s either me, the kids or the house.

Topsy and Tim on Cbeebies the most unrealistic expectation of parenting I’ve ever seen. There needs to be two kids crying, random sticky stuff on the floor and a mum comatose in a pile of washing.

For more tweets see here.

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