100 days of darkness – new motherhood

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Photos that encapsulate becoming a new mother.

They show the exhaustion.
They show the cups of cold tea on the side.
They show the maternity pants and expressing milk.
They show the puffy face.
They show the hormonal sweats and hair loss.

I was in a zone of living every day on adrenaline.

There were some days I felt an overwhelming darkness, a darkness only post natal depression can be.

I felt joy, of course I did, but I also had self doubt.

Can I do this? Why did I do this?

I remember one night running into the darkness (literally, I went outside and walked 3 miles through tears hoping that I’d get hit by a car as I didn’t deserve anything) the children were safe at their grandparents house where I stayed for the first 2 weeks. They are always safe.

People take photos for many reasons – I took selfies as I knew there was only me to do so and I’m glad I did.

There is no filter for real life.

There is no ‘Insta worthy’ connotations to these photos.

But I look back and just remember the happiness I felt of pushing that baby out.

The happiness of the kicks during pregnancy or the excitement at the scan.

The happiness I could grow another human life. An actual human!

The happiness of having your body back after 9 months.

A body that bears its many scars.

I was always going to be a single mother, I knew it would be hard, I know it always will be but when you look at photos of the hard times you appreciate the good ones.

I have some days the depression clouds my mind – like a mist covering all – but some days that mist gets blown away and I remember.

I remember that I was lucky. That I am.

Photos like these show me the progression and how far my children and I have all grown together but also the days I miss. The days I didn’t appreciate soak in as much as I could.

Because being a new mother (again) goes so fast.. Then it’s gone.

Those milky babies.
Those little fingers clasping yours.
Those black tar poos that you wipe and wipe and more seems to appear.
Those moments where they fall asleep in your arms, content for the time being.
Those moments at midnight making a bottle or holding a screaming baby that you literally can’t console.
Those moments you cry because you don’t know what to do and just like in labour you say “I can’t do this.”
Those tough moments…
Those good moments.

The 100 days of darkness after giving birth are the most challenging days. The newborn phase. The cry phase. The never-let-up phase. The “you shouldn’t do that” phase. Or “I do it this way” phase.

What they don’t tell you is those dark days continue…
Maybe it’ll be 300 days…
Maybe it’ll be 600 days.
But there’s a darkness of doubt that stays…
The days where just like in labour you say “I can’t do this.”

But… You still do it.

There is no filter for real life and there is no cheat code.

 

 

Image may contain: 3 people, people smiling, child

Image may contain: 2 people

Image may contain: 2 people

Image may contain: 1 person

Image may contain: one or more people

Image may contain: 1 person, sleeping

Image may contain: one or more people

 

Image may contain: one or more people, closeup and indoor

Image may contain: 3 people, child

Image may contain: 3 people

Image may contain: 4 people, people smiling

Image may contain: 1 person, sleeping, baby and closeup

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling

 

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