So, this post is about sex talk (or lack thereof in my case) it’s about the big O (or lack thereof in my case) and I feel that it’s a subject people are for or against because some have been brought up happy to speak about sexuality, some aren’t – regardless what category you fit into it doesn’t matter as you’re allowed to have rights to your own feelings.
You’re allowed to express your own opinion.
You’re allowed to be promiscuous if you’re being safe, legal and mutually consenting.
You’re also allowed to not have sex – in my case, I don’t.
Due to previous sex-capades with partners with sex being more about the opposite sex and their feelings rather than building on learning to love and accept myself I have decided to abstain from sex and have for 20 months – the last time I had sex was when I conceived. I almost feel like a born-again-virgin (daft yes, I have 3 children) by this I mean I have self respect, I have no need to prove anything to anyone.
I don’t masturbate.
I don’t have interest in being an object for anyone – I refuse to be used. That’s my journey. That’s my choice. That’s my body.
I haven’t found I’ve missed it or require it – it ended up just being something I felt I had to do to prove something.
So, most importantly, you’re well within your rights to feel how you do about talking of intimate matters and of doing them.
The title isn’t click bait it’s actually true. Yes. It’s true. I’ve never orgasmed and that’s okay.
Sex is probably one of the most natural things in the world.
Some people, who have all but confirmed they were born in the Stone Age, equate sex to practicality and not to pleasure. Well, that’s their own loss.
Sex is about desire, about lust, about acting on a carnal urge to pounce on a dick and ride it seven ways to Sunday (if that’s your kind of thing). It’s not about shaming anybody who enjoys acting on what is essentially a natural impulse. Sex for pleasure is literally the greatest discovery on this earth (probably), and there should be no shame in enjoying it.
So you like sex?
Good for you.
You don’t want to have sex?
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is (according to my sources) a feeling of intense sexual pleasure which happens during sexual activity. It’s can be called ‘coming’ or ‘climaxing’ – both men and women can have orgasms.
What happens during an orgasm?
To understand an orgasm, you should also know that the vaginal canal is lined with the soft tissue of the mucous membrane covering layers of stretchy muscle.
This canal leads to the cervix, a narrow passageway that sits in front of the uterus. This is the long journey upon which sperm must embark in order to fertilise an egg.
It’s amazing the reproductive system!
There’s no question why men orgasm as those powerful muscle contractions are like rocket fuel for sperm, powering them into the female reproductive tract where ideally they’ll fertilize an egg (not always ideally but it was designed to do so!)
What’s still something of a mystery, however, is why women climax as well. Allegedly orgasm can help you conceive – although no issue for me as I have three children and no orgasm!
I’ve done some research and found some information from the NHS Website Sexual Health –
During arousal, you may notice:
• Your heart rate increase, your skin may begin to feel (and look) flushed, and your genitals will swell with blood.
• You’re also building up a lot of muscle tension throughout your body.
• Once you reach orgasm, the muscles in your vagina, anus, and uterus involuntarily rhythmically contract and then relax.
Your brain is working up quite a potent cocktail of chemicals.
• That includes the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is commonly associated with pretty much anything that feels good.
• Also getting a huge release of oxytocin, which can promote feelings of closeness and empathy.
I’ve spoken with a female friend about her sexual experiences and preferences who wants to remain anonymous.
What does an orgasm feel like for you?
“Intense amazing my full body shakes. So really really intense but also remarkable that he can make me as when we first got together I did tell him he’d be lucky if he made me cum every time or even a few times!”
What brings you to orgasm the most?
“What makes me orgasm the most is oral or fisting.”
What turns you on?
“What arouses me is when my neck is bitten or kissed. I love his tongue game! That’s pretty strong to be honest like in between my breasts as well as being bit, nibbled and licked. Finger play I love!
I’d rather him ‘get off’ than me though as I enjoy giving pleasure and I love giving blow jobs – I do get turned on by giving oral. Me giving him oral turns me on seeing him turned on and excited.
Also love it deep, so that position is my partner on his feet crouched down my legs spread behind his neck.
I hate going on top because of self confidence but I do it more now than what I did when we first met because of confidence.
Can you give any tips on enhancing the sexual experience?
“I enjoy being tied up – Legs and arms as well as blindfolded and being made to be quiet.
There is also rough play too using methods like wax play and we use sex candles which is hot but safe. We also use baby oil! Ice play is amazing then there is food play – like ice cream, Chocolate sauce, Strawberry sauce etc.
The next toy I want to get are nipple clamps and glass dildo!”
Issues why one may not Orgasm:
There are a number of physiological factors that can inhibit a person’s sexual desire and their ability to reach climax:
• Hormone imbalance such as low testosterone if male.
• Medications such as anti-depressants
• If female then her anatomy (the distance between the clitoris and the vagina)
• Partner issues – can include the partner’s lack of appeal or insensitivity, and, in relation to a male partner, insufficient knowledge of the female body and premature ejaculation.
• Focusing on having a climax creates pressure in a person that runs counter to sexual arousal; telling themselves to relax simply doesn’t work!
• Many developmental issues also affect anyone’s sexuality:
• Emotional hunger – withholding of affection
• Parents’ intrusiveness – indifference, hostility and intolerance of being loved leave lasting scars on their offspring.
Men and women can react to the resultant emotional pain by:
• Developing a poor self concept or body image.
• Distrust of their partner and other protective and pseudo-independent defences that, in turn, predispose alienation in their relationships. Basically insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment patterns they developed in childhood persist into adult life and strongly influence numerous aspects of sexual relating.
• Attachment refers the particular way in which you relate to other people.
• Your style of attachment was formed at the very beginning of your life, during your first two years. Once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.
• Understanding your style of attachment is helpful because it offers you insight into how you felt and developed in your childhood.
• It also clarifies ways that you are emotionally limited as an adult and what you need to change to improve your close relationships and your relationship with your own children.
Six psychological factors that tend to negatively impact on someone’s sexual desire
1. Low confidence about your own body
Many people experience intrusive thoughts about their body that interrupt the smooth progression of sexual excitement that typifies the arousal cycle of approaching orgasm.
They can have self-conscious thoughts about their breasts like Your breasts are weird. They’re not like other women’s breasts. Your breasts are uneven.
A man they may have negative thoughts about their genitals. Their penis is too small. It’s wonky. They’re not clean. so don’t have oral sex.
2. Fear of arousing repressed sadness
For some people, feelings of sadness related to emotional pain in childhood surface during a sexual experience, especially when sexuality is combined with emotional intimacy.
For anyone who was mistreated or rejected early in life and feel unlovable, the contrast of being loved, pleasured, and sexually fulfilled brings out deep and painful emotional responses.
When people try to hold back their sad feelings, they become cut off from themselves, both emotionally and physically, and removed from the sexual interaction.
3. Fear of being vulnerable
Accepting love leads to a feeling of increased vulnerability and challenges aspects of the negative identity formed in the family of origin.
A person may enjoy casual sexual encounters, but as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, being loved and positively acknowledged can threaten to disrupt one’s psychological equilibrium by piercing core defences.
Depending on another person to satisfy one’s wants and needs breaks into the defensive posture of being self-sufficient and pseudo-independent.
Being open and receptive to another person threatens an inward, isolated, self-soothing way of protecting one’s self from emotional hurt. Combining sex and love leads to a sense of vulnerability and is anxiety provoking because many men and women are afraid of being completely committed to a significant other, especially if they have been previously hurt emotionally.
Lets face it we aren’t all lucky to meet the right man at the right time!
4. Fear of loss of control
Men and women who rely heavily upon maintaining control as a self-protective defence mechanism are prone to be resistive to a freely expressive sexual encounter.
This can show up in an overall fear of losing control or in more specific fears, such as fears of making noise or moving, or even fears of urinating or defecating when letting go. Control is related to existential issues of life and death. Faced with issues of death anxiety, people tend to detach themselves from their animal nature and disconnect from a body that they know is mortal. This dissociation can inhibit feeling pleasurable responses in the here and now interaction during sex.
5. Perceiving sex as immoral or bad
Many Men and women have acquired distorted views about sex early in life during the process of socialization. In general, parents’ negative attitudes toward nudity, masturbation and sex play have a powerful influence on both male and female children’s feelings about sexuality and the sex act.
As a result, people typically grow up viewing some sex acts as acceptable and clean, and others as dirty and bad. In addition, some religions, especially rigid belief systems, perceive sex as an expression of the baser or sinful nature of human beings. Usually women take on these attitudes, they tend to see sex as forbidden, shameful and bad. They feel guilty about wanting, seeking or experiencing pleasure in lovemaking, and expect negative consequences or actual punishment.
6. Fear of arousing repressed memories of abuse and trauma
Being close sexually to a partner and freely experiencing orgasm tend to trigger unwanted memories in women or men whose histories include sexual abuse or molestation.
in the UK have been sexually abused according to Nspcc and The Guardian says One in five women in England and Wales have experienced some type of sexual assault since the age of 16, according to official analysis of violent crime figures.
Here is some UK information on sexual offences recorded 2017.
In these cases, being sexual can be unconsciously associated with the abuser, particularly when the abuser is a family member, and sex becomes guilt provoking, tinged with emotional pain, and unacceptable in the woman’s mind. Any similarity between the victims partner and the family member increases the probability that these memories will emerge.
If you’re worried about not having an orgasm
If you’re worried about not having orgasms, a GP can help you find out if there’s a physical reason. If the cause isn’t physical, they may refer you to a sex therapist.
Sex therapy involves exploring your feelings about yourself, sex and your relationship and can help you overcome sexual problems – not something I’ve bothered about.
Intimacy, love and feeling aroused and sensual can be just as pleasurable as having an orgasm. For some people, these things are more satisfying than always having an orgasm.
Enjoy all the feelings of arousal you share with your partner, not just the orgasm. You might want to take time to be sensual – for example by:
• Exploring each other’s bodies
• Taking a bath together
• Touching each other’s skin
• Undressing each other
• Telling each other what you like
• Listening to your partner’s breathing
Many people give each other oral sex or masturbate together as a healthy and enjoyable part of their sex life.
One point from WebMD as to why sex is good for you:
“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.
People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.”
One point from This Is Insider as to why to wait to have sex:
If a couple waits to have sex, then sex often occurs after the couple has established an emotional connection,” Rhonda Milrad, social worker and founder of the online relationship community, Relationup, told INSIDER. “Sex is not happening for the physical pleasure alone, but is occurring because two people feel close to one another and want to deepen their bond and commitment. Sex is more satisfying when there is an emotional and physical connection present in the experience.”
Below I’ve added some links that may (or may not help) to talk about sex.
Remember be safe guys.
NHS – Adult Sexual Health Helpline–
Confidential information and advice on all aspects of contraception and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV prevention and signposting to local services. A translation service is available for other languages through the helpline.