Reflection 2018

Making the decision to have my third child was not the easiest of times but it was not a hard decision, I don’t write much about my children as such like their achievements or firsts as I think there are some things I like for myself.

I don’t share all the images of all my life whether it’s the good or bad because that’s my own… What I will share now is how this year really has been incredible, it’s taught me alot.

Over the years I’ve lost and gained friendships but what I haven’t lost is the skill to surprise myself and having Winifred was the final piece to a puzzle. Of course I get asked alot about her father – simple matter is – she won’t miss what she’s never had and I feel no shame or remorse anymore by society dictating whats normal.

My normal ISN’T anyone else’s normal.

My normal is my own. It’s their own.

I once had a dream of having a normal family, of marriage and what I see on social media – the perfect image (which no, it isn’t real, social media is the perfect filter for life that doesn’t always exist) yet as everything that has unfolded, the betrayals, the hurt and lies what I actually feel now is that I wasn’t destined for a life like that.
Do I feel resentment over that? Sometimes yes although I was destined to be able to raise strong children. Strong characters. For that they need a mother who has faced her own fears, her own loneliness to learn that being alone isn’t a bad thing it builds a strength inside you that no one can take away from you.

My children are literally the hardest job I ever will have and trust me alot of the time I want to quit.

This year I have hid away in my bubble to protect myself and my family and focused on them and myself which I also have no regrets, perhaps I’ve missed out on life but perhaps I’ve actually just enhanced it.

The writing, the projects, have helped but focus thoughts I wasn’t able to express before – growing up I always had a dream of journalism but it was never something I could commit to. It was only a pipe dream.

I’ve always been different, at school I was the bookworm I would write essays of stories, I would sit alone in every single class, always the outsider and looking back I wish I hadn’t rebelled against everything as I could have gone so far BUT hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!

This year has actually shown me that perhaps this was my own journey – I had my daughter alone in such turmoil, I built a family with my son, lost that family but I DIDN’T lose that family… I gained Winifred. All the hurt. All the anger and loss actually in that I’ve built by own empire – my children.

I can’t ever forgive those who have hurt them but what I’m doing is accepting and with acceptance comes a sort of peace.

A peace of mind that lessons have been made for reasons that all fit into place.

I had my third child and oh my days it’s been difficult. It’s been some days questioning my own sanity.
Post natal depression led me running off into the night hoping I’d be hit by a car or raped as my emotions took over, panic attacks seizing my mind and self belief in decisions I’ve made or what others have made… Yet… There through the fog is a belated wisdom that “hey, you there, you’re ok.”

2017 I became pregnant, this time last year I had that life inside me.

My baby.

I didn’t know her gender. I didn’t post online about it, people didn’t even know I even gave birth to her and I don’t regret that. I have been privileged to share my journey with those I care about and with it I have learnt such strength but with announcing her birth I also felt relief because the puzzle was made.

My family may be an assortment of race and creed but it works just as well as any family. It’s my family.

I do post alot of how insufferable parenting is because – let’s face it – it is. Plus the stuff they do is absolutely mental, the things children say and do are just unexplainable! My daughter is a mini sarcastic drama queen, my son is full of energy and questions and the baby is so chill and always learning.

Soon my baby will be one and I just can’t believe how lucky I am to of been able to have her.

Moral of the story is – everyone has a different journey it doesn’t mean anyone is less special or that they are unworthy of love or acceptance.

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